Confirmation Bias: A Hidden Force in Relationships
What is Confirmation Bias?
Confirmation bias is the human tendency to interpret new information in a way that supports what we already believe. It’s a mental shortcut we all use, often unconsciously, to make sense of the world. The problem? When left unchecked, it distorts our perception—especially in our most intimate relationships.
How We See Our Partners Through a Biased Lens
In the early days of a relationship—the so-called “honeymoon phase”—everything feels exciting. We focus on our partner’s best qualities, feel deeply connected, and give and receive love freely. But over time, small annoyances creep in. A forgotten errand. A dismissive comment. An unresolved fight.
Those small moments become what one might call emotional “paper cuts.” Left untreated, they fester. They become infected with resentment, coloring how we interpret everything our partner does. This is confirmation bias in action: when we believe our partner is distant, for example, we notice every time they forget to text back—but overlook when they initiate connection.
How Bias Reinforces Itself
As a couples counselor, I often hear:
“They don’t love me anymore.”
“They’re not invested in us.”
But when we dig deeper, it’s common to find that both partners feel the same way. Each is trying in their own way, but neither sees the other’s efforts—because they’re interpreting through the filter of hurt, fear, or disappointment.
The result?
We pull away emotionally.
We criticize or lash out.
We misread neutral actions as negative ones.
These reactions can confirm the belief that something is wrong—creating a cycle that’s hard to break.
Breaking the Cycle: Reframing with Awareness
Here’s the key: We can interrupt the cycle.
Begin by noticing the voice in your head that tells you your partner doesn’t care.
Ask yourself: Is this fact, or is this my interpretation?
Look for evidence to the contrary. Even small gestures of care count.
Instead of assuming, get curious:
“What might my partner be feeling right now?”
“Is it possible they’re trying, but in a way I don’t recognize?”
Empathy and honest communication are antidotes to bias. When we lead with openness instead of assumption, we create space for healing and reconnection.
Final Thought
Confirmation bias can quietly erode a relationship—but it can also be your signal to pause, reflect, and choose a new perspective. By becoming aware of the stories you’re telling yourself, and staying curious about your partner’s intentions, you can begin to rebuild trust, clarity, and closeness.
——-Written by Ashley Carter, LPC
Thrive Marriage and Family Counseling
(970) 812-1292