What Could Happen if You Started Dating Your Spouse?

Do you remember the feeling of dating? The excitement, curiosity, fun, exploring and time that you took when you first started getting to know your spouse? This space and time is where we really grow “in like” with each other. Imagine a world where you don’t have all of those parts of dating and you have to decide if the other person is someone you even want to spend more time with, someone you want to marry, spend the rest of your life with. Honestly, why would you if those good things weren’t happening.

The good news is, most of the time we do get the gift of getting to know the other person and the building of connection. Through that we build enough “like” and “love” to make the decision to be together long term. Then *BAM* the honeymoon wears off and we stop the dating process. 

The breakdown then starts to happen. You have all of the excuses in the world. 

Busy.

Kids.

Work.

Family.

Stress.

Finances.

Tired. 

Blah. Blah. Blah.

Don’t get me wrong, all of those things are real pressures in life. At the end of the day, all of those excuses are just that, an excuse. Dating your partner can be the reprieve and break from the craziness that is life. It can be the thing that holds it all together and make it all worth it. 

Instead, I see over and over again that dating is the thing that goes on the backburner first. Then the resentment starts, you feel disconnection, and you don’t feel important to the other person. 

So, you start fighting about it. 

Fighting then becomes your connection. 

Fighting isn’t fixing it, so you get quiet with each other.  

This opens up big potential for harm in your marriage.

The breakdown becomes so big, you start thinking that being together isn’t the answer.

You split, go through all of the nastiness of being alone, the divorce, splitting the kids time, the chaos of all of the changes.

Then you start DATING again.

Dating, you start the process all over again. So the real question is. What if you started dating your spouse right now. What if you did all of the things that you would do with that new person but for the person you already committed your life to? What if you leaned in? What if you put in the time and the effort? What if you stopped making excuses?

I know this seems easier said than done with all of the build up of fights, disagreements, and the distance but you have to start somewhere. The more positive you pour into this marriage the better you are going to be able to deal with the hurts from the past. It doesn’t take away the pile of hurts but you really get to decide what needs to be addressed and what is not worth it to deal with. 

What if you just tried? What if you dated for 3 months, really dated each other? You can deal with the hurts after the 3 months, the important ones will still be there to work through. 

You can spend the next 3 months tearing things down more, or pouring in. At the end of the day you are making the CHOICE.

Written by Chantel Landeros, LMFT
Thrive Marriage & Family Counseling
Grand Junction, Co 81501