How to Holiday Happily
What if the ways you communicate with your partner could predict how difficult or successful your relationship would be? According to John Gottman, The Four Horseman (A pretty direct metaphor for The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse) are four communication patterns that can be destructive to a relationship.
These patterns usually show up in times of conflict and tension. As we head into the end of the year when life is pure chaos with family, holidays, spending money, traveling, and so much more there is bound to be times of tension and conflict in a relationship. Now, I don’t want you to think tension or conflict are bad! Conflict is actually a form of connection and intimacy, and when done right it can bring us closer to our partners and those we share relationships with. So as the tension is rising, please don't bail before the conflict because “it’s easier”... stay in and choose better communication patterns!
In this mini-blog series, we will look at The Four Horsemen, what they might look like this holiday season and how to substitute them with a more productive approach.
Now that I’ve given you a little foundational background, what are The Four Horsemen when it comes to your relationship? Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling.
Criticism is more than a critique, it is verbally attacking your partner to their core personality or character. I know reading this probably every single one of us can think of a time we criticized our partner. This Horseman is the MOST COMMON.
Contempt loves to come in when frustration is high, and resentment has dug its nails into your relationship. Contempt is the idea that your partner or someone is beneath your consideration and they “deserve” to hear what you have to say about them. Being mean to prove a point
Defensiveness usually likes to show up as a response to criticism. Nobody wants to sit back and take it all on when their character is being attacked. So, we justify and explain why things are a certain way.
Stonewalling likes to show up in response to contempt, or when we are just done. This is when we shut down and withdraw from the situation. No response is good enough and we just want it to end. Hey, being silent means we aren’t feeding into the conflict right? Nope, in many cases it fuels it and the cycle continues.
If you are intrigued but have more questions after reading this… great! The following blogs where we do a deeper dive into each Horseman will be beneficial. Hopefully we can incorporate some small changes in how you communicate that will help not only the relationship with your partner, but with family and friends too. Remember conflict itself is not BAD, how we communicate through it is so important!
Written by Chandra McCullough, LPC
Thrive Marriage & Family Counseling
Grand Junction, Co 81501