How to Holiday Happily: Criticism

HOW DO I KNOW IT’S CRITICISM?

Criticism is the most common of The Four Horsemen because it is so closely connected to critiquing and expressing a need. Think “YOU” statements (can) = criticism.

“YOU are always on your phone when we are with my family its pretty obvious you hate them ”

“YOU never listen to me. There is always something more important going on” 

Asking questions that start with why and have YOU in them. Genuine questions don’t count. Think questions you already know the answer to, or sarcastic questions.

“Why didn’t you get anything done today?” (When you spent the day together and you know exactly why they didn’t get those things done)

“Why are the dishes still in the sink?” (When they were sidetracked with another task/activity after you asked for help)

THE ANCTIDOTE TO CRITICISM: A Gentle Start-Up

When you want to be an asshole to prove a point and maybe even think they deserve it, think to yourself how can I soften this to communicate what I really want or need. You are going to switch to an “I” statement

“I feel like the things I say have no real importance, and everything else going on pulls away from what I am saying. I would really appreciate it if we could stop and be intentional when we are trying to talk about stuff.”

I know this seems long winded, but it leaves less for interpretation. There is no real need to defend or justify a behavior. It’s a want or need that is being described and opens the door for real communication about how to move forward.

Trust me, before I was a couples therapist I rolled my eyes at “I” statements.  “I feel like you are an idiot!”... I know many of you were thinking it! Try it right with intention. When you see the way it changes the tune of a conversation, it’s hard to deny how beneficial they can be when used properly.

THE APPLICATION

What is it that you want or need from your partner, family member, or friend? Let them know what it is and why it is important to you. Invite them in for conversation. Conflict does not have to divide you, it can bring you closer through connection and understanding.

So next time someone is getting on your nerves, stop yourself and think why? What do I need or want that I am not getting? Maybe they don’t know it's a want or need… even if you think it is obvious.

Written by Chandra McCullough, LPC
Thrive Marriage & Family Counseling
Grand Junction, Co 81501