How to Holiday Happily: Stonewalling
HOW DO I KNOW IT’S Stonewalling?
Here we are… the last of the blog series, and the last of the "Four Horsemen": Stonewalling. Stonewalling is interesting because it presents as the other person nonverbally saying, “Screw it, I'm done,” and going silent.
Oftentimes a person who stonewalls does it as a response to being flooded. Flooding is when our body becomes overwhelmed with the situation and taps into our sympathetic nervous system. At this point, we choose from fight, flight, or freeze. Stonewalling = freeze in this scenario. We see the person withdraw or disconnect, become silent, and look as if they are ignoring you just to push those buttons a little more.
The silent treatment, on the other hand, is intentionally ignoring your partner to prove a point. There is the active thought that you are going to show them, and you take “control” of the conversation. This is also very unproductive, and it feeds and prolongs the argument.
THE ANTIDOTE TO Stonewalling: Physiological Self-Soothing
The antidote to stonewalling is the ability to physiologically self-soothe. In order to do this, you need to first be aware that you are someone who stonewalls. Accepting this is not a dig at who you are; it’s understanding how your nervous system responds in different situations. As you notice the internal shifts of wanting to get away and going numb, a break to reset is just what is needed. Pause the discussion and engage in activities that will reset your nervous system.
Box Breathing: Breathe in through your mouth for 4 counts. Hold your breath for 4 counts. Breathe out through your nose for 4 counts. Hold for 4 counts. You can repeat this until you feel more calm.
Go for a walk: Just getting away from the conflict allows your body to relax. You are no longer feeding the need to be in your sympathetic nervous system.
Anything that brings YOU relaxation and comfort: Know what this is BEFORE you are flooded. When we are in fight, flight, or freeze, we are unable to learn new skills and come up with great ideas. So, know what helps you calm down and get back to your baseline prior to needing it.
THE APPLICATION
It is important to note stonewalling is usually saved for last because it is a result of criticism, contempt, and defensiveness. It is a result of marathon tension and conflict. Once we are too far gone, hitting pause on the conversation might be what is best. Pushing through is not the answer at this moment. The secret to doing this successfully is taking a break that is structured. Let the other person know you need to step away but you will be back in 20 minutes. Research has found that 20–30 minutes is the sweet spot to physiologically self-soothe. Stepping away and taking a break in moments of conflict can be scary, but having a set time to come back together alleviates some of that fear.
My hope for this blog series is that in some way you have learned something new that will impact the way you communicate with others in a positive way. Around the holidays there is a ton of communication that goes haywire with all the stress and pressure. Keep these tools in your back pocket and be intentional with how you CHOOSE to communicate. Take control of your words and your reactions where you can.
Written by Chandra McCullough, LPC
Thrive Marriage & Family Counseling
Grand Junction, Co 81501