How to Holiday Happily: Defensiveness

HOW DO I KNOW IT’S Defensiveness?

Defensiveness is a behavior that is intended to defend or protect, and when we look at the third of the Four Horsemen that is exactly what we see in relationships. It is easy when we feel attacked to immediately jump on the defense with a witty comeback or a solid justification. Defensiveness arises when we perceive an attack from the person we are talking to. We need to be able to step back and take accountability when we mess up. While this is tough, we are human, AND I am all for owning our mistakes.

Perceived attack:

“Did you call your brother and ask him if we could stay with them when we get to town? You promised you would get to it today.”

Defensiveness:

“No, I have been so busy at work.”

Insert appropriate other horsemen:

“I asked two weeks ago, then again last week, and now here we are 3 days away from needing to stay there. Sounds about right”

Respond with your own horsemen:

“You’re always so on top of it, why wouldn’t you just call and ask? Of course, I can do nothing right in your eyes”

We found ourselves in a nice spiral of criticism and maybe even some contempt. Feeling the urge to defend yourself is something we see because when we think we have the perfect answer as to why we missed something or didn’t do what we were supposed to, that makes it all okay… Right??

THE ANTIDOTE TO Defensiveness: Appreciation and Respect

The antidote to defensiveness is taking ownership where you can. Sure, the person you are talking with may be coming in a little hot, and they might be frustrated. How you respond and take accountability for your part may be able to shift the path of the conversation. Slow down and take a breath before you respond.

Perceived attack:

“Did you call your brother and ask him if we could stay with them when we get to town? You promised you would get to it today.”

Taking accountability:

“Shoot, I completely forgot again. I’m sorry. I will call him right now.”

THE APPLICATION

For this one, the application seems simple: Take ownership when you make a mistake. However, I want to muddy the water because nothing is simple! I feel like it is important to note that advocating for yourself is NOT being defensive. When someone is genuinely attacking you, you should absolutely advocate for yourself and stand your ground. This is not a perceived attack where someone is holding you accountable for something you said you would do, or something you should have done.

If I am always watching for my husband to make a mistake, and checking him for his shortcomings he has every right to defend himself. Nobody is perfect, and we all make mistakes. Defensiveness is dangerous when we use it to avoid accountability. Go take control of your communication and take accountability!

Written by Chandra McCullough, LPC
Thrive Marriage & Family Counseling
Grand Junction, Co 81501