How to Holiday Happily: Contempt

HOW DO I KNOW IT’S CONTEMPT?

Contempt is the most destructive of the Four Horsemen, and the biggest predictor of divorce. As we think of contempt and what it looks like, I want you to think disrespect with a side of mockery and sarcasm.

“Are you kidding me? Of course, you forgot about __________! Why would I be surprised? It's just what you do. I would never do this to you”

“Haha, you think you’re tired? I'm the one who gets up with the kids and feeds a baby in the middle of the night.”

We also have the nonverbal forms of contempt that include eye-rolling, scoffing, and making faces. 

THE ANTIDOTE TO CONTEMPT: Appreciation and Respect

Contempt can be sneaky because the person who is using contempt can struggle with noticing they are doing it. It can feel justified, or like you are proving a point. So instead of telling your partner how ridiculous they are or proving a point, you want to lean into the soft start-up we discussed in the criticism blog. The next big thing to focus on is building appreciation and respect in your relationship. Even though the negative things can stand out nice and bright, appreciate the small things. This is done in day-to-day interactions. The positives are then around later to offset some of that frustration in the moments of conflict. It’s like a bank… the more you deposit in the positives the less it hurts when you withdraw with the negatives.

Think instead…

“Man, s/he spends a lot of time planning and making appointments. I will start looking at our shared calendar so I don’t forget as much” AND “I know s/he has been really busy lately, and I’m sure the plans just slipped her/his mind.”

“We are both exhausted with the kids not sleeping lately. Maybe there is a better way to tackle this and take turns so we both can get better stretches, or we have more support during the night.” 

THE APPLICATION

One of my favorite questions for couples when they make it to my couch is: Did you marry an asshole? If you can genuinely answer yes to this question we have some other stuff to dig into? If you can  say no to this question, then give your partner some grace. Remind yourself they are your partner not your opponent. You are on the same team, and it’s a lot easier to work together.

Invest in your partner. Appreciate the things they do well, and look for the good things the way you look for the annoying things. It’s like the car theory, when you’re told to look for a red car suddenly you see red cars everywhere you go. I want you to look for the good in your partner. Maybe, you will be surprised by the things they still do that you appreciate and love. Life being so busy has just been casting a shadow on it.

Written by Chandra McCullough, LPC
Thrive Marriage & Family Counseling
Grand Junction, Co 81501